Write to digest. to express. I want to be understood. To understand. Everyday I learn something more, and it’s like ok, where does this puzzle piece fit? Hmmmm I dunno. But I don’t throw it out. I don’t fret about it, but I don’t throw it out. I enjoy puzzles. Free to think. Watching others. People in the metro. Wondering what kind of bizarre life circumstances they might have gone through, or are currently experiencing. I’ve been encouraged to happy journal. And I am. The idea behind this happy journaling is not a new one. It’s a sort of inspirational journal of ones awareness of things that make them happy. I write quotes in there, excerpts, doodle, write to my manager, have my own personal goal list you name it, whatever makes me happy goes in there.
I still feel a sort of restriction, when I open it. Like, you better be careful what you put in here, it better be happy journal appropriate. I noticed, and it is common I see, that when people become aware of their conscious mind, and how they think, that everything has to be done in a proper particular manner. We are so set in our ways, except for when we want a change. Then we dare. We look at things with curious eyes, wondering, if change occurred, would circumstances also change? So we dare. We provoke, we prod. Question. Get confused, but allured. As I notice MY change occurring. I worry that maybe it’s too late. That perhaps, I’m already in the dark hole, but then something tells me, snap out of it, you’re no where near that hole. You’re experiencing pain, yeah. You’re aware of it. Ok. What can I change, that will alter the answer I keep getting. Every time, the answer is, how do I feel about it.
I initially thought, that when I started blogging, it would be to explain my sob story. MY life story. Because its a seller let me tell you. It got me SOOOOO much of the pity party that I had become dependent on my entire life. I remember thinking ” Someone is going to hear my story, and feel sorry for me, and one day, someone will save me. Someone will help me feel better”. Up until recently, hell every once in a while I pull out the pity play, I do. BUT. I don’t tell my sob story to just anyone anymore. I use to tell it openly and freely, because I felt I deserved justice from my circumstances. and i do. just not the kind I thought I needed.
So, now, when I struggle, and it becomes too much, I’m able to take the back seat, comfortably alot of the time. I don’t despise my father. I wish the best for him, I understand he did the best he knew how given his (& our) circumstances I wish things were different between us. Because yeah it sucks to not have parents around. Mainly I miss the encouragement he so genuinely exuded towards me as I developed in my early years. Before life caught up with him and his marriage.
It would be nice if we could arrange camping trips, holidays to visit each other, call daily. Of course it would be. But what makes me smile most about this whole thing, is that when I think of him now, I no longer want him to suffer. To be harmed. To hurt. To feel the same pain he dealt me. I wish none of these things for him. If I had started this blog the way I initially intended, it would be full of slander, on how terrible of a protector he was. Insulting. You would have been inflicted with my negative emotion toward him. It would ooze out of your screen and into your negative place. But it’s no longer with me. After I realized, there is more to life than what is being shown to you, and I started exploring other channels of healing, I’ve come across people such as Esther and Abraham Hicks, who no matter what material I listen to, there is always a good feeling hovering around me. ALWAYS. I’ve discovered Faster EFT, which is a more efficient means of EFT aka Emotional Freedom Technique. These methods of self improvement, help you become aware of thought patterns that you develop over your life time, that cause conflict in your life. It’s not been long, but I have had several sessions with my practitioner, and I have actually noticed a change. It’s subtle, there’s no quantum leap happening here. But there is CHANGE happening.
I’m trying to apply the same kind of mindset at work. My employer is the kind, that you dread having to confront, when in reality, I want it to be so that I can call my boss and shoot an idea at him, and not think that he’s going to knock it down, ignore me or make me feel like nothing more than a payroll slot with an undervalued opinion.Things are improving there though which means my time spent dreaming of better days, is actually helping our office 
This awareness thing. It’s really pretty amazing eh?
